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Why Did Shirdi Sai Baba Push Me Away?

For those of you who personally know me or who have read a few of my articles would know that I always share my experiences, miracles, interactions (dream and awake) especially about Shridi Sai Baba.

I was raised in a very religious family. The temple in our house looked like a shop where we displayed all the deities as statues, pictures, and calendars, along with their holy books. As a young child this was extremely confusing for me, as I did not know whom to pray to. So, I was taught that I should pray to all of them. Like an obedient child after my shower every morning, I paid my respects by touching the pictures without any intention, simply not to disrespect any of the deities.

Once I started encountering challenges in life, I was encouraged to pray more. Chanting, singing, reading the holy texts, and visiting temples became mandatory, because I must please the deities, and in turn they would bless me and “forgive” my sins.

However, this did not satisfy me because I did not feel the blessings pouring down upon me. And when I would ask my parents or Gurus why not, they would say have faith and patience. It seemed to me that they did not know the answer, and were just stalling me. So, I wanted to talk to God directly. No one in my family had ever communicated with God directly, it was always through some deity or Guru. I felt a resonance with Shirdi Sai Baba, so I figured that He would be my bridge to God.

This was the first time in my life I felt that I was communicating with God. I did not chant His name or read His scriptures back to Him. All I did was talk to Him as if I was speaking with my father or my best friend. I poured my heart out to Him, and questioned every belief that I was raised with. It was only a matter of days later that I started receiving my answers. The biggest misconception I had was that I was being punished for my partial vision loss. I was visited in a dream by Krishna and Shirdi Sai Baba, and was told that I had to go through these challenges, and that they were holding my hand at every step of the way. This was extremely comforting and insightful. Since then, I have had numerous interactions with beings of higher consciousness and gained insights that have transformed my life.

However, today I want to share with you something a little different, although, this may not resonate with the belief system that you were raised with. Therefore, please understand that my intention is never to change your belief, but to simply offer you another perspective.

Even though my connection with Shirdi Sai Baba is very strong, for a short period of time, I felt that he was pushing me away from him. I could not understand why. Without a doubt he was always on my mind, but I did not get any attractions of cravings to read his Holy text or to chant his name. Although, I would always bow down in front of his statue, there wasn’t a feeling that I was bowing down to God. It was more like greeting my best friend or father. In fact, very few people know this, but I even have a nickname for him, I refer to him as “Babz”.

Initially, my parents would become upset about this because I was so called “dis-respecting” their Shirdi Sai Baba, or should I say my “Babz”. But, consider this for a moment, don’t we have nicknames for the friends and family that we love? Overtime, I guess they realized this, and now my mom also sometimes calls Shridi Sai Baba, Babz, our Babz.

So, why was my “Babz” pushing me away from him, or was this only my perception? After all, who could answer that question besides my Babz? As I meditated on this, the answer I received was “Don’t seek me outside of you.”

Now, many of us believe or say that we believe that God is within us? But allow me to ask you this question, do you truly believe that in every part of your being, or is in just in your head? For me, at that time, “God is within me” was only cognitive, meaning just in my head.

I realized that this was the reason that Shirdi Sai Baba, or my Babz was pushing me away. He wanted me to discover him within myself, truly within my being, not simply in my head. As this happened, I remembered one of his quotes which said “either I AM in you, or you are in you”. This gave me another realization that if I wanted to fully experience Shridi Sai Baba, “I” or who I believe “I” am must get out of the way.

From that day onwards, the way I started to pray was completely different. I would not pray for blessings or grace to come from outside of me, or any higher power. Instead, I would pray for the strength to get out of the way and be receptive to guidance. Now, I feel that I’m becoming a better instrument of the Divine each day, while allowing the music to play through me. Of course, although the musician (the Divine) is perfect, this instrument (myself) isn’t. This means that I have a tremendous amount of inner work to do, in order to become a graceful instrument for the Divine.

As I discussed earlier in this article, my intention is not to change your belief. However, I invite you to discover this level of consciousness for yourself. If you continue to believe that God is outside of you, then you will also believe that happiness, peace, and grace our outside of you. When you believe that God or Divinity is within you, then everything that you believe that the Divine represents, such as bliss, grace, forgiveness, etc. will be created from within you.

So, Shirdi Sai Baba did push me away, but it was for me to discover Him within myself. Today he is so deep within me there is absolutely no separation. This has offered me so much inner peace, clarity, strength, and courage to speak the truth regardless of what people may think of me. This feeling is what I truly call Freedom.

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.” – St. Francis of Assisi

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